When I Feel Like Hiding...

Sometimes I don't want to talk to God. Mostly, it's when I suddenly glimpse all the junk that still lurks in me after all this walking with Him. "You mean I'm not holy yet?!"  

Once in a while, I get real tired of missing the mark all the time, you know? How can I work so hard to please my Father and still be in a completely desperate state of needing Him. Will I ever get it right? Can I do NOTHING?!  Scripture says we can do nothing apart from Him, so why on earth do I ever expect to? Pride I guess. Wanting to be good on my own, without His help.  
... sounds alot like a two year old. "No! I DO IT!!!"

But, it happens. I get discouraged. I hide myself in movies, shopping, overeating... anything to keep from thinking about how short I fall.

And He lets me, loving Father that He is. He lets me walk away, taking His blessings with me. Even if I end up going quite insane and find myself inexplicably chin deep in a pig pen, He lets me. 

But, when I've had enough of the guilt and hopelessness, he also lets me come back. Finally I become ready to show my ugly self to Him (the ugliness was only ever a surprise to me), and allow Him to fix me. 

I still don't really feel like reading or praying. I'm not happy or relieved. I'm desperate and dirty and so very dependant on Him to help me. So I tell Him my feelings, and show Him my dirt. 

And do you know how He responds? 

"My child, don't make light of the Lord's discipline,
and don't give up when he corrects you. 
For the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes each one he accepts as his child." (Hebrews 12:5,6)

I love that. He knows how much we want to give up when He corrects us. It feels near hopeless when He shows me how wrong I am - how I'm missing the mark. I want to hear 'well done', not 'okay, here's your sin...' But He loves me enough to do it. 

And He continues to reassure me:

"No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - it's painful! 
But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living 
for those who are trained in this way." (Hebrews 12:11)

He gets it. He knows this is hard for us, and He's right there with empathy, reassurance and even a promise, setting joy before us so we can endure the now. 

But it's not just for us. There's an assignment to accomplish for the benefit of others:

"So take a new grip with your tired hands 
and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a 
straight path for your feet so that those who 
are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." 
(Hebrews 12:12,13)

And we can please God and serve Him by the power of Jesus Christ. This book closes with a blessing the author prays over the church. I hope it strengthens and encourages you too. 

"Now may the God of peace - 
who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, 
the great Shepherd of the sheep, 
and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood - 
may he equip you with all you need
for doing his will. 
May he produce in you
through the power of Jesus Christ, 
every good thing that is pleasing to him. 
All glory to him forever and ever! Amen."
(Hebrews 12:20,21)


The Unknowngnome said...

I don't think you were hiding when you wrote this!

He's not only speaking to you (and through you) in this Kim. It's so reassuring to have His love and to know that we are His: "For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child." Let us be pruned and bear more fruit for His glory.

Thanks Kim.

From The Heart Online said...

You're right - it IS reassuring to have His love.
"Your strength comes from God's grace.." Hebrews 13:9.

It really does :)

Amy Sullivan said...

Tired of missing the mark all the time, sigh. Yep, I feel you, girl.

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